How Being a People-Pleaser Nearly Broke Me (And the Shift That Saved Me)
I’m not 100% sure if it was Henry Ford who first said this since the internet loves slapping famous names on quotes they never said, but either way, it’s true:
“Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.”
If you’re a giver like me (ahem!), someone who will rearrange your schedule, skip lunch, and push your own deadlines just to help someone else, I applaud you.
Really, I do.
Helping people does feel good. Until… you realise that some people, especially the takers, expect you to keep giving. Like a human vending machine for favors. Insert request, receive free labor.
For years, I was a card-carrying people-pleaser. Family, friends, colleagues…they all knew I was reliable. Sounds nice, until you realize it actually means “she’ll drop everything to help you, even if it means setting herself on fire to keep you warm.”
I can’t even count the number of times I said yes when I should’ve said no. But one incident still makes my eye twitch.
A “friend” once asked me to help her with a project. I spent days on it, hours of work, research, and revisions, only to later find out it was a paid job for her client. The only “work” she did? Sending me the text asking for help. The audacity! I have to respect the hustle… but from a safe distance. She’s no longer in my inner circle. Actually, she’s not even in my outer circle. Let’s just say she’s on a whole other planet now.
Back then, saying no felt impossible. I’d turn down a request, feel guilty, then work overtime to finish my own stuff so I could circle back and say, “Hey, I’m free now, do you still need help?”
Newsflash! They always still needed help and they were always happy to take it. Nobody ever asked, “Hey, are you okay? Are you getting enough rest? Are you overwhelmed?”
The people who truly cared about me never loaded me up with extra favors. They respected my time. They paid me fairly. They supported my work without trying to wring every drop of free labor from me. Funny how that works.
Looking back, I think part of that guilt came from the belief that if I could help, I should. But here’s where Mel Robbins’ Let Them method changed my perspective.
The idea is simple: let people be who they are even if that means they’re the type to take advantage, never reciprocate, or expect you to fix their mess. When you let them be who they are, you can also let yourself be who you are… someone who values your own time, energy, and peace.
It’s not about turning cold or selfish. It’s about not making someone else’s lack of planning or effort your emergency.
After a couple of spectacular burnouts (the kind where your brain feels like an overheated laptop fan), I finally realized something: Most of the people asking for “just one more thing” weren’t clueless. They knew I was busy. They just didn’t care. And I wasn’t blameless, I’d been enabling them by always saying yes.
Moreover, taking on too much work didn’t just hurt me, it became a concern for my loved ones. They saw me skipping meals, losing sleep, and pushing through with that tired-but-stubborn “I’m fine” face. They worried about me because I wouldn’t slow down.
It took me a while to see what they saw: I was running myself into the ground for people who didn’t even check if I was okay.
If you want the full meltdown-to-recovery story, I wrote a whole piece on my burnout experience, you can read it here. It’s equal parts cautionary tale and a gentle nudge to check in with yourself before you hit that wall.
Here’s what I started asking myself: If I have extra time or energy… why am I giving it to people who drain me, instead of the ones who value me?
Now, I follow a simple system:
Free time? Offer it to the supporters first, you know, the ones who’ve been there for me.Willing to do extra? Make sure it’s for people who’d actually return the favor.Feeling guilty for saying no? Remember: the only people who hate your boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.
Setting limits doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring. It means you care enough about yourself to not end up bitter, burned out, or broke.
It’s like those oxygen mask instructions on airplanes: put yours on first. Not because you’re selfish, but because you’re useless to everyone if you’re passed out in the aisle.
And believe it or not, takers aren’t going to pass you the oxygen mask even after they’ve put on theirs. You’ll have to reach for it yourself!
Takers aren’t always obvious at first. They often start small, then ramp it up over time. Here are the red flags I look out for now:
Urgency without empathy: They “need it now” but don’t care what you have to drop to make it happen. Example: the client who sends you a Friday 5 PM email with “quick turnaround” in the subject line.The snowball effect: You agree to one small favor, and suddenly you’re doing an entire unpaid project. Bonus points if they frame it as “just helping out.”Selective memory: They forget every time you’ve gone out of your way for them but remember the one time you said no.The one-way street: They’re conveniently “busy” when you need help. Or worse, they ghost entirely.Flattery as currency: They butter you up just enough to get what they want. “You’re so talented, I know only you can do this for me…” Translation: free labor incoming.Disguised demands: They frame their request as “just asking your opinion” when it’s really a full-on consultation. (Hello, DMs that are basically free coaching sessions.)The perpetual victim: There’s always a crisis that requires your time, energy, or resources. Somehow, their emergencies are supposed to become your top priority.
Once you see these patterns, it’s like spotting red flags in a bad relationship, you can’t unsee them. And that’s when it gets easier to say no, without explaining, over-apologizing, or offering to “maybe help later.”
If you’re a giver, here’s an uncomfortable truth: Takers will keep taking until you set a limit. Then they’ll move on to the next person who hasn’t figured it out yet.
So yes, be generous. Be kind. Offer your time and energy… but give it to people who deserve it, not just the ones who expect it.
Because at the end of the day, givers have to set limits. Not because they’ve stopped caring but because takers rarely start.
